There’s a huge difference between how you live every given day and who you long to be.
How we live most days is often a byproduct of who we’ve been conditioned to be or who we feel most comfortable being, while who we long to live as is more of an aspirational hope. It’s the person we feel like we’re made to be, but unable to arrive at. Some underlying circumstance or tension keeps us from “getting there.” The false self is who we live as, while the true self is who we’re hoping to be “x” months or years from now. The picture below distills the difference:
If you’re wondering what the dotted brick wall in the picture represents, you’re actually well on your way to experiencing more of the true self. The wall represents the various things that hold you back from becoming your aspirational self. One little brick of the wall might be your fear of failure, while another brick could be a tendency you’ve had in relationships ever since your last relationship ended with a train wreck and an unbelievably broken heart. Another brick may be a lie you’ve believed because of somebody’s off-handed comment in middle school, while another brick could be your inner critic warning you to not take risks after what happened at work last week. The number of things those bricks could be are almost innumerable.
The beautiful thing about today and tomorrow is that you can literally zoom out (or zoom in depending on how you look at it) and begin to piece together the things that keep you from becoming who you feel like you were made to be. Little by little - and brick by brick - you can tear down the barrier between your false self and true self. All you have to do is start asking yourself some honest questions surrounding the overarching question of “WHAT BUILDS THE WALL?” Using the list of various factors below can be a great way to start the process:
Once you’ve landed on a word or phrase that jumps out at you from the list on the right, begin to “get curious” about why that item may be a brick in the wall that separates you from experiencing your true self. For example, if one of the bricks in my wall between my false self and true self is a fear of breaking the mold, I can immediately start asking myself questions about why I’m so afraid of coming across as different or unique.
Is it an issue of being culturally non-traditional?
Is it a matter of others' perception of me?
Or… is it a matter of a personal expectation of myself to be consistent and predictable?
In my case, all of these questions begin to help me understand why I don’t want to break the mold and help me (1) acknowledge the fear, (2) understand that the fear probably isn’t irrational or without reason, and (3) learn how I may move past the fear to experience the person I sense I’ve been made to be. Make sense?
My hope for you would be that figuring out what builds the wall wouldn’t be an overwhelming thing, but a journey worth taking because little-by-little with today and tomorrow, we truly can learn so much about ourselves if we start to do the work. That said, use these simple pictures above and the few questions below to start your adventure of learning to become the person you’ve longed to be.
What are the various things that seem to create the barrier between you and your true self in your life?
Why might these sorts of things exist as realities that keep you from being who you long to be?
How might you be able to begin reminding yourself of what’s true, showing compassion toward yourself for what you feel, and move toward change through honesty and reflection?
Who could you begin to process the “bricks” with and help walk with you as you journey ahead?
By Nick Sweerin, Restorative Mentor