If you have kids, or if you were alive a few years ago, you are familiar with this quote, and you know that this mindset didn’t work out too well for the Princess who lived by it.
Believe me, I know it isn’t helpful to stuff my feelings. I know that pretending I don’t feel something doesn’t make the feelings go away. I even know that doing what I “should” do, and surrendering my feelings over to God doesn’t keep me from snapping at my kids, my spouse, or my dog.
I know this is true, but why? Why can’t I “fake it till I make it” and what do I do instead?
To oversimplify a complicated question, the reason I can’t fake it is because our feelings are there for a reason. As created beings, we see as far back as Genesis 2 that we were created with needs and desires. The very first person ever created was created with the need to be with another person, and when that wasn’t being met, God said, “This isn’t good.” What does that have to do with my feelings? When our needs are not being met, we have feelings about that. When my need for belonging or connection goes unmet, I feel sad or angry. I can’t pretend like my feelings aren’t there, because they are telling me something that I may need to pay attention to that isn’t necessarily wrong, it just is. Just like the light on your car’s dashboard telling you something is happening under your hood, you can get mad at the light or pretend it isn’t there, or you can pull over and pop the hood.
So that’s a simple “why” - what about the “what”?
Again, to oversimplify, when we feel something, we first need to NOTICE and ADMIT we are feeling something! I know that probably just blew your mind, but seriously, how often do we stop to actually acknowledge what is happening with our feelings. Instead, we just react without recognition, and whoever is closest to us catches the brunt of it. For me, when I can actually put into words that I am sad, it creates some space for me to actually BE sad for just a little bit, because there are things that are worth being sad about. A magical thing happens when I allow myself to notice and admit that I’m sad and then actually allow myself to feel sad . . . the sadness doesn’t last forever.
Here’s the reality that you and I are living in - we all have a lot of feelings! No matter your age, no matter your stage of life, no matter your geographical location, life continues to throw a ton of stuff at us. If you’re anything like me, I need to stop and first realize that my feelings are not a result of weakness, but they are a result of my humanity. Because of that, they aren’t something to conceal, they are something to pay attention to. Just like our Princess friend who liked the cold, concealing our feelings doesn’t make them go away, it usually only serves to isolate and prolong.
So . . . let’s say it together . . . “feel . . . not conceal.”
By Luke Hettinger, Certified Clinical Trauma Specialist/Restorative Mentor