After something tough or unexpected happens in life - whether an event or conversation or whatever - I’ve often found myself thinking that I understand what happened, but I don’t understand what I feel. I can piece together what took place, but I can’t piece together what’s within me. Above the surface, I see some details and conjure up a decent explanation of what occurred. But below the surface, I’m left bewildered and likewise pretty disengaged emotionally. Been there? Me too.
Above the surface represents our intellect and that which is seen. It represents our innate ability to store information and relay facts. We can retell that “this and this happened while so and so were talking through some stuff.” And then we can share how “it made us mad.” We’re really good at explaining the stuff above the surface. But oftentimes, there’s a difficulty in putting our finger on what the facts and information around us actually do within us. Among the shadows represents just that. Among the shadows are the hidden parts of our inner being and emotional response. It’s where the sick-feeling in our gut lives. The tightness in our chest. The weariness in our bones.
Life became a lot fuller when I began to realize that the “unknowable” shadows of my inner self could be explained, understood, and purposed. The tightness in my chest during a hard conversation with my wife, for example, could actually be (1) diagnosed by myself in the moment, (2) communicated out loud to my wife, and in turn (3) become an advocate and problem solver for both her and I to best understand the realities at hand. The tightness in my chest could reveal past hurts, personal values, and even signal expectations and desires for the moment and for the given topic as a whole. Digging beneath the surface in this instance alone exposed the potential riches of understanding my wife and I could have when I was willing to go beyond the details to the depths of my being. Though it took a pause and a conscious question of “what am I feeling within me right now,” it led to a fuller understanding for the both of us. Going below the surface and among the shadows was suddenly possible and with purpose.
Here’s a thought for you. When your next conflict shows up or an unexpected event takes place, don’t just relay the facts to yourself and others around you. Don’t give in to the temptation to just dialogue or regurgitate or react. Instead, slow yourself in the moment and dive beneath. Go among the shadows of what you’re feeling in the depths of your head, heart, and hands and follow through with the following steps:
Ask “what am I feeling within me”?
Share that unperfected but raw finding with whomever you’re at odds with.
Share what you might be learning from that feeling as you guys work through the topic at hand.
I bet if you try it, you will quickly find that the human body not only pieces together what takes place above the surface but also pieces together rich purposes to what we feel among the shadows as well.
By Nick Sweerin, Restorative Mentor